


As Brave As I Know How to Be

by triplyknown



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Cabeswater Exploration, M/M, Making Out, that's about it really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 23:17:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12468164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplyknown/pseuds/triplyknown
Summary: Gansey didn’t belong in private school uniforms and expensive shoes, with jostling friends and school notebooks, full of casual banter and laughter. He could pretend very well but he didn’t belong there. He belonged here, with messy hair and ruddy cheeks and sparkling eyes, with Adam. Adam never wanted him any other way.-gansey and adam are very much in love with each other. it's sad. i'm sorry





	As Brave As I Know How to Be

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure what this is but i'm kinda proud of it and i hope you like it  
> fall is my favorite season because it's so peaceful and sad and i think gansey would feel the same way

They drove to Cabeswater after school, just the two of them because Blue was at Nino’s and Ronan was at the Barns doing God knows what: dreaming or dying or maybe just jerking off. Adam wanted to scry, so he met Gansey at his locker after last period. Gansey turned the corner with a cacophony of boys from the rowing team and Adam watched them out of the corner of his eye, slightly awed and slightly embarrassed. They punched Gansey on the arm and whooped at him and Gansey fit right in, slapping their backs and laughing along. This is where Gansey belongs, Adam thought, not for the first time. Gansey belonged in private school uniforms and expensive shoes, with jostling friends and school notebooks, full of casual banter and laughter. Adam had never managed the casual banter and his laugh didn’t sound quite right. But when Gansey caught a glimpse of Adam down the hall, his face lit up in a different sort of way, and Adam thought that maybe that was alright. He waved good-bye to the boys and jogged towards Adam, grinning. Adam looked away.

“Parrish” said Gansey cheerfully, as he reached Adam, offering his fist. Adam bumped it and leaned against the wall with as much elegance as he could muster.

“D’you wanna go to Cabeswater?” he asked, “I think if I scry near that tree, I might be able to find it what’s wrong with it. I need someone with me though, so…” He lifted one shoulder and one side of his mouth. Gansey sighed theatrically.

“Adam, I thought you’d never ask. C’mon let’s get out of here.”

So they climbed into the Pig after class and Gansey pulled out of the parking lot slightly faster than usual, tires squeaking slightly. His heart was beating a little faster too and something about him was on edge: full of purpose and adrenaline. Adam grinning at him in the passenger seat only multiplied this feeling and Gansey grinned back and pushed a little harder on the gas, edging the Pig over the speed limit, like Ronan would. He felt dangerous and wonderful and he wasn’t sure if it was Adam’s presence or the fact that he was going to see Cabeswater or maybe both.

He loved Cabeswater with everything inside him; a love so big he was sometimes scared of it, a love so big it made him feel small. 

As they drove down the windy path, Gansey rolled down his window and breathed in deep, exhaling with a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a shout. He felt like he had a pleasant sort of bubble in his chest. It was autumn of his senior year and Henrietta was beautiful; all golds and oranges and fire. Gansey loved it here. They whipped around a corner and crisp air filled the Pig all at once, bringing with it the smell of apples and grass and something that smelled a bit like rain. The sky crackled with it and Gansey’s heart jumped in time. 

When they arrived at Cabeswater, Gansey parked in a slapdash sort of way and swung out of the car door. This was Gansey how Adam liked him best, all loose limbs and casual boyishness. He grinned exuberantly at Adam who was climbing out behind him. Adam rolled his eyes but he couldn’t hide his own smile. It was Friday and and Cabeswater beckoned and Gansey was in full Gansey-mode, the kind he only went into when he was around somebody he trusted completely: Blue or Ronan or him, Adam realized with surprise and then with a kind of warmth that filled him to the bone. Gansey was halfway to Cabeswater already and he beckoned Adam along.

“Slow,” he yelled bounding down the path. Adam rolled his eyes for what would not be the last time that afternoon, even as his chest filled with an unbearable fondness, and he ran after Gansey. Sometimes he felt like he was always running after Gansey. Sometimes he felt like he didn’t mind.

Cabeswater was in a good mood that day, perhaps because Gansey and Adam were. It remained autumn inside the forest and if Adam didn’t know better, he wouldn’t think anything had changed. He did know better because Cabeswater wrapped itself around him almost imperceptibly, in the way the leaves swung towards him and the branches leaned down. It whispered too, things like _magician_ and _safe_ and _home_. Adam would never get used to this.

Gansey didn’t see any of this, but he could feel it too, Adam could tell. It was in the tilt of his neck, the slope of his shoulders, the way he ran his hands through his hair until it flopped over his eyes. Firey leaves drifted down around him like rose petals. The dirt underneath them smelled fresh and exciting and the sky still threatened rain but Gansey welcomed it with open arms. Literally, with open arms. He spread his arms out and took a deep breath of autumn air before yelling at the sky, “ _Mihi super hoc certamen Cabeswater!_ ” Adam didn’t bother correcting his grammar.

They walked through the forest, Adam behind Gansey and Adam was forced to rethink his earlier statement. Gansey didn’t belong in private school uniforms and expensive shoes, with jostling friends and school notebooks, full of casual banter and laughter. He could pretend very well but he didn’t belong there. He belonged here, with messy hair and ruddy cheeks and sparkling eyes, with _Adam_. Adam never wanted him any other way. Then they reached the tree.

It was uglier than before and Gansey flinched at the sight of it. Adam, who was used to ugly things, did not but he did blink very quickly. The tree leaned over them like something grotesque and massive. It’s branches were blackened and twisted in unnatural ways and it seemed less like a tree than like the absence of tree. Gansey hated it. Adam had to agree. Still. He was a magician. It was time for some magic.

There was a pool of water near the tree. It was too convenient to not be Cabeswater’s work and it looked darker than usual but Adam would take what he could get these days. He crouched down next to it and glanced back at Gansey, who was watching the dead tree intensely. Not dead, Adam corrected himself. It was most definitely alive just- alive the wrong way. Like Noah when something within him went sideways and he became very clearly a dead thing that was still moving. Adam shuddered and looked back at the pool. He fell into it and that was the end. 

_-_

Adam gasped out of the pool an undetermined length of time later. His watch said 6:21. Gansey shot him a questioning look and he shrugged. 

“Don’t remember anything,” he said, trying to sound casual despite the worry creeping up his spine. He had never seen _emptiness_ while scrying before and he was trying to pretend it did not scare him. Gansey was not fooled. He raised an eyebrow at Adam. 

“You were in there for maybe two seconds,” he explained, checking his watch a bit redundantly. Adam frowned and looked back at the pool. 

“Maybe something went wrong- let me try again.” 

He waited for Gansey’s nod before staring back at the pool and unspooling his soul from his body but it didn’t work. He came right back into reality again, next to Gansey who was now sitting next to him. 

Adam tried two more times, but he couldn’t get anywhere. Eventually he gave up and when he phased back into reality, he could feel Gansey’s sweater-clad arm pressing up against his. Gansey’s head was tilted in curiosity as he stared into the dark pool and his knee pressed against Adam’s. Adam turned to look at him and felt his heart stop. Gansey’s eyes were blank and he wasn’t breathing. 

Adam didn’t think. He bolted up and grabbed Gansey from behind, dragging him away from the pool. He had the sudden awful realization that maybe the pool was not Cabeswater’s doing after all. Gansey didn’t resist Adam but it was still difficult to drag him away, like the pool was magnetic somehow. 

“Help him, Cabeswater, please!” Adam shouted at the trees, but Cabeswater did nothing. Adam could still feel Cabeswater there, at the edge of his conciousness, but Gansey was not under Cabeswater’s protection. It either couldn’t, or wouldn’t help. Adam tried again, this time in Latin. Cabeswater didn’t move. Adam’s eyes pricked with tears. It might not be the vision from the tree, but it was the same result, regardless. Gansey was going to die and it was Adam’s fault. _Cabeswater_ , he thought desperately, _please_. 

For a moment he thought it hadn’t worked, but a second later he could feel whatever connection was holding Gansey to the pool begin to weaken. Adam hugged Gansey tighter and pulled as hard as he could. A moment later, he landed flat on his back in the dirt with Gansey on top of him. Gansey, who was breathing again. Gansey, whose eyes were focusing again. Gansey, who was apologizing and scrambling off Adam, brushing off his pants. 

“What in the hell just happened?” Gansey asked, for the first time realizing the relief on Adam’s face. A second later he saw the tears. “Adam?” 

“Fuck, Gansey,” said Adam softly. “I thought you were dead and Cabeswater wouldn’t help me and I thought-” He fought back tears. 

“Hey,” said Gansey, equal parts soft and worried. “Hey, I’m here. It didn’t kill me.” 

Adam’s shoulder shook every so slightly and he closed his eyes. 

It was autumn and it was crisp and Gansey was going to die very soon. 

Without thinking much about it, Gansey stepped towards Adam and pulled him into a tight hug. Adam buried his face in Gansey’s neck and Gansey closed his eyes and rested his head on Adam’s shoulder. He could smell Adam’s hair, like autumn and Cabeswater and the cheap shampoo he always used. He knew Adam could feel his heart hammering because he could feel Adam’s heart hammering. 

Gansey’s knees wobbled and he sank down onto the dirt, still holding Adam to him. Adam sank with him. He breathed out slowly and looked up at the trees. _This is Cabeswater_ , he thought. _This is what it looks like, this is how it smells, and feels, and tastes._

It started to rain. 

After a few minutes or hours, Adam extracted himself and stood up. He still looked shaken but he wasn’t crying. He offered a hand to Gansey, who clasped it and stood up next to him. Adam looked very hard at Gansey for a minute and then kissed him fiercely. 

_This is Adam_ , Gansey thought. _This is what he looks like, this is how he smells, and feels, and tastes._

All these things he loved. 

Gansey gasped into the kiss a bit and reached behind him to try and find purchase. Cabeswater was there - Cabeswater was always there - and he grabbed at the tree trunk. Adam backed him up until he was pressed against it, and kept kissing him. Gansey kissed him back half as fiercely but just as passionately. Their teeth clicked together and Adam moved so that he was worrying Gansey’s bottom lip between his teeth. Gansey made a little helpless noise and then flushed royally. It seemed disrespectful to be doing this in Cabeswater, who was after all, semi-sentient. Adam slid his hands around Gansey’s waist and moved to the spot where Gansey’s neck met his jaw. 

Gansey hurriedly decided that making out with Adam in Cabeswater was okay but he wasn’t prepared to go any further inside a forest that had minutes earlier, almost killed him. He had some standards after all. This wouldn’t have been a problem except he didn’t trust himself with Adam’s mouth on his neck. Adam’s _mouth_ on his _neck_ , he reminded himself for the thrill of it and his knees trembled. Now he really was in trouble. The noises Gansey was making were bordering on obscene. He nosed at Adam until Adam came back to his mouth and he caught Adam’s lip with his teeth, pulling slightly. Adam, who had been silent until this point, made a little moaning noise and Gansey’s knees buckled. He wanted to kiss Adam until he forgot his own name, until he forgot that he was going to die within the year, until he forgot about _fucking_ Glendower. 

Adam wanted to forget all the same things. When they pulled apart, he avoided Gansey’s gaze and stepped back, almost tripping over a root behind him. He shoved his hands into his pockets and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like “sorry.” 

“Don’t be, please,” said Gansey, whose lips looked very pink and bitten. His glasses were askew and he reached up to fix them. They watched each other for a minute. Adam looked quite a lot like a nervous deer and Gansey wanted badly not to scare him away. He cleared his throat and gestured around them, wordlessly. 

It was autumn and it was beautiful and he was going to die very soon. 

_All these things he loved._

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: adam and gansey was my first ever raven boys ship and it's fallen by the wayside a bit but it's still so important to me (his fallible king! his stupid and kind and marvelous best friend!) i love these boys  
> tumblr is @ sleebie whoop whoop


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